My Storm

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?

 

Two years before:….

 

June 20, 2003

Another sweet day…

The sun peeking through the leaves of the trees creates a dappled effect of light and dark on the porch floor. The kitten rolls and scratches, rubbing her back and sharpening her claws. A breeze sifts through the lattice work from the south and the shadows slide lazily back and forth across the porch floor. The birds sing sweetly, no screeches, just lovely songs trilling to each other. Mornings like this are worth a lot to the soul.

          So quickly all the joy, happiness and serenity go. My chest hurts with longing for someone who will truly be a team, working together to find solutions, plan events, instead of always “we’ll do what you want” from one to the other. Now my thinking space has been invaded. No more alone time to think and write. The birds still sing, the breeze continues to float in through the windows, but I hear it, feel it, see the clarity of the nature outside, but my body hurts. I feel pain in my throat, tightness; in my chest, aches; in my joints, stiffness. The fluid flow of life’s tranquility is ebbing out of me and the hard, tough, stiff, “can’t touch me” is returning. It’s a defense against this pain. So be it. I need to work…

 

The day:…

 

February 26, 2005

 

I came home to retrieve something I had forgotten and walked in on my husband and my granddaughter, in a lover’s embrace, in the doorway of my bedroom. …..My heart hurt, my body went hot and cold, I felt ill, sick to my stomach, shaking. I left, then returned to confirm what I saw, before leaving. I was out of town before I realized the full implications and returned to report what I witnessed to the police. ….

 

June 7, 2005

 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ( Psalm 34:18 )         

The word brokenhearted speaks to me.

In the days and months to follow, in the blackness and fog, it became clear that my husband had been sexually abusing my granddaughter in our home during the years she was in our care. As I allowed this to wash over me I began looking backward in time and found many of the ‘problems’ we had as a family were due to this unholy relationship between my granddaughter and her grandfather. To add to this pain, upon cleaning out his things, I came upon letters and journals of others he had been with during our marriage. I had lived 25 years believing lies, trusting the untrustworthy, loving one who could not love.

          My initial reaction to that morning was disbelief. My mind refused to accept what I saw. My view of my husband and my granddaughter changed. I saw him with disgust and I wanted to cradle her. She was thirteen at the time. Later it was revealed that this had been going on since she was seven.

          What followed were months of questions. Why?  Why did I not see this?  Why didn’t she say something?  Why did he do this?  WHY, Why, Why, why……   And the answers came: my God is sufficient; my God knows and understands; my God heals; my God was there.

          My focus remained on God and His ability to carry us through. He would reveal the truth in time.

“He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him” (Daniel 2:22).

I became more steadfast and determined to do what God would require. My husband was a truly sick, manipulative man in need of help and repentance. I worked to get my granddaughter help, I worked to rebuild our relationship, and I turned my husband over to God, to his care and molding.

          Emotionally I felt drained, intellectually I searched for truth, physically I was tired, and spiritually I drew even closer to God. My identity hurt. I didn’t know who I was. I had been mother, wife, and grandmother. Now I was alone, coming home to an empty house, waking to an uncharted day. I found I couldn’t sleep, and then I would sleep too much. I didn’t want to eat, and then I would snack constantly. My days went by with less and less being accomplished. They seemed long sometimes. I would forget things, lose things, and miss appointments. I felt self-conscious, like others pitied me, like I was touched by dirt. My trust was destroyed, I had put my trust in my husband and he used it to hurt a child, and so hurt me and the family. The nature of the offense made it public and I felt contaminated by the shame.

          Where did this lead me?  It led me to prayer and God’s Word. I have journals filled with scriptures and prayers. Daily placing myself and the others in God’s hands, asking the Spirit to heal, lead, guide, I found God’s word is powerful and does not return empty. 

 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. (Romans 8:27)

 As I read, whether Old or New Testament, I found others suffering as I. I found others guilty of the lies, cheating, defiance, and hatred I had been exposed to. And I read of God’s mercy and his healing. I read of his compassion and love.

          “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)

The words never leave jump out.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” (Jeremiah 31:3)

The words everlasting love lift off the page to my heart.

          Did I experience anger?  Yes!!!  Often. During our marriage, during the dysfunctional time, and after the truth came to light. What did I do with that anger? I gave it away.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)

Turning it over to the Lord was frequent. Explosions occurred, but thankfully, I was alone most of those times.

At one point however, it left me stranded. I was with my son and his wife when I had an episode of amnesia. It didn’t last long, just long enough to frighten us. God is faithful. It was short and I turned once again to him with fervor, praising him for healing, loving me and being there for me. I learned to let the anger wash over me; let the log of anger in the stream float on by. I learned to not wade out into the water and pull it out and hold on to it. I learned to recognize that I am not responsible for the actions of others, only my own. They answer to God for their own deeds.

 

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. (Psalm 30:11,12)

 

March 24, 2007

 

The sun is making an appearance; the trees are alive with birdsong. The cats call to each other. Life is rampant around us. Spring—the ‘old has passed behold all things are new.’ We have promise of a new life, new love has blossomed, new growth is progressing, and we are regenerated through our relationship. God has promised blessings to his faithful and we have received those blessings.

          The Bible teacher, Bill Britton, states:  “…speak what you have heard and seen from Heaven!…if you’ve  had a ‘heavenly vision’ or caught a glimpse of God’s divine purposes, hold on with bulldog tenacity for God will surely bring it to pass.”

          At about 16 I had a vision, I wrote it. I saw a perfect world in which all held the truths of God close and applied them to their lives. War ended, strife ended, greed, envy, hurt, pain ended because all were engaged and focused on preferring one another, serving one another, acting in unity. That is heaven—what completes it is God’s presence—a constant outpouring of His spirit in and through us.

          Then I took my eyes off the possibility and looked on reality—the sin around me—and was filled with despair. And the path I took reflects that despair. I have come through the tunnel of despair to the light of His Word and can once again see what will be. Knowing I can live in that place now, by choice. Even as my body remains in the presence of good and evil, I choose the Word—the good, and choose to disallow the evil to place darkness on my life.

 

It is now four years later, I have a new husband, my granddaughter is living with her parents and doing well. God is good.

 

Another sweet day…

 

26 thoughts on “My Storm

  1. Gracie,

    While reading through your story, I was feeling the pain of your traumatic event. My heart went out to you with mercy and compassion. In the broken places of our lives, God picks up the pieces, like a puzzle and starts to put them back together again, so that we may be healed. I truly thank God for you, your insight and the Word of God that you freely share with so many others. You helped me today. In fact, I was broken after reading your story. God is revealing more of himself to me through you. It took a lot of courage to put your story out there to help others. I praise God that he is working in such a marvelous way in you and through you and Dale. I’m so glad that you found Dale and that you have each other.
    Love,
    Joyce

  2. Joyce,
    I am thankful for your response. My purpose was to give God the glory for who He is and what He does. Sometimes we are so under we don’t see it. My times spent in His Word were the times I could see Him and know Him. He is my salvation. I am so thankful that this can help others know and grow in Him.

  3. Pingback: Living in the Storm - July 05 « Gracie’s Quest

  4. Gracie,

    This story……well I do not know what to say so I will say nothing other than……….I am so glad all has turned out okay for you and your family. I thank God that He gave to you the strength and grace to endure. Am adding you to my blogroll, and my hope is that many more will read this story. We all need a witness such as you in our lives. God Bless,SR

  5. Thank you, SR. The Lord is my hope, my life, my salvation. He is my strength and my walk with Him grows sweeter each day. There is nothing impossible with our God.

  6. Dear Gracie,

    No need to tell me these things. He shines forth from within you, and the wonderful thing is, one does not have to search for His Light when you speak. One sees and hears it plainly. God Bless, SR

  7. What becomes of the brokenhearted? God uses them to reveal Himself to other broken-hearted souls…

    I started blogging again because I heard God’s gentle call to do it. I wasn’t sure what to write about but I just obeyed. Since then I have come across blogs that touch the broken pieces of me and have seen how God is slowly healing those pieces bit by bit. I came across your blog tonight from This Day With God. And tonight I was blessed yet again with what you shared. I can see a part of my past revealed that God wants to heal…a divine appointment for me…

    How truly magnificent and awesome our God is!

    Words are not enough to describe his everlasting love for us.

    Thank you for this post.

    Warmest regards,
    Mary

  8. I am so blessed by your comments. We share to heal. We share in obedience to the Holy Spirit. It is so comforting to hear how the sharing is helping others. I am so with you in that words are so inadequate to describe his everlasting love for us. Thank you for your comments.

  9. Gracie,

    How is your granddaughter doing? I was thinking about her the other day? God Bless, SR

  10. She is a young lady now and struggling to live a normal life. Some of the hindrances are of her own making, some are the aftereffects of what she was put through. She exhibits a lot of confusion. She was presented with the Gospel, however, it was overshadowed with the circumstances. I believe the Word of God does not return empty and look for the day I see it bearing fruit in her.

  11. I just found your blog via Wendy of the Greenlight Lady blog….I just read about your journey as you so openly shared it. There has been something in my life which has ignited a similar anger and distrust, which I have had to give to God many, many times as it tries to come back to the surface. There has been forgiveness by the grace of God, and the relationship is alive and growing, I am elated to say. I am glad to hear that your granddaughter is doing well, and that you have new love in your life, too. I look forward to reading more of what God is giving you to say!

  12. I was given a helpful analogy to use when the logs of pain come back to the surface. Think of life as a stream and the logs of pain surface and come floating by. We make a choice to either drag them up on shore and build a house of pain or let them go on by. I choose to let them go on by and they don’t resurface as much anymore. Of course I give credit to the Lord’s healing power for that. He can do the same for you. It is a visual thing but you are making the choice and He helps in that. God bless you, my prayer for you is you will find strength in Him.

  13. Oh my goodness. I’m in awe of your strength in the Lord. He is so good to pour into your life as He did through His word. I’m so sorry your precious grand-daughter went through. That is awful and all too common. I’m sorry you had to witness such a terrible situation. Your heart must have been utterly broken. Thank you for the scriptures you shared and for sharing such a personal story. You will inspire many other women who might be in your situation. Sending prayers for you and your family…

  14. Thank you for your kind response. The Lord is my strength. We fully realize that when we come to a place that is more than we can bear. He takes over at that point and I am forever grateful. God bless you.

  15. What an amazing testimony, battle and passage! I’m glad that you hung tight and was determined to heal…God’s way. God bless you, your new family and ministry. Stay focused. And when you get a chance, stop by and read my “bulldog” stories of determination.
    Much love sent your way.
    ~Yahobahne
    his4glorydotcom.wordpress.com

  16. Since you wrote it…I will venture to ask…do you mean your husband was renewed or you are with someone else? I am just so glad your granddaughter is okay. I am stunned by this tale. Horrible. Beautiful. Glorious.

    All my love in Christ,
    Diana

  17. Diana, I am with someone new. I placed my former life and my former husband into the hands of the Lord. He has graced me with a new husband and a new life that glorifies Him. I am truly blessed. I visited your blog and will be following you. I look forward to reading more in the future. We serve an awesome God.

  18. Gracie, your story deeply touches me. I have had an aching heart for a dear friend going through an awful divorce, and this gives me hope that she will come through as strong in the Lord and blessed as you have. I admire your godly attitude and heart.

    Christmas Blessings ~ Wendy

  19. Thank you so much for sharing your story, your pain, your victory through the love of Jesus. So many of us have similar stories inside of ourselves…so important to share our personal testimonies so hurting souls know they are not alone. You have shared in an honest, open way that touched my heart.

    Again, thanks!

    Love and blessings,
    Bernadette

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